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If you feel an immediate sense of dread at the thought of broaching the topic of “What are we?” with someone you’re hooking up with or casually dating, you’re not alone—at least among the Glamour staff. “It feels like bragging to say everyone I’ve ever dated has initiated the conversation first,” says deputy editor Anna Moeslein. “Kudos to them, because I don’t think I could have ever been as brave.”
It’s terrifying to put yourself out there, especially if you don’t know how the other person feels. So we asked therapists, relationship experts, and other people who have been there on how to approach it. Here are their tips for how to have the “What are we?” talk.
1. Know when it’s the right time to define the relationship—and when it isn’t.
You know it’s the right time to have the talk when you cannot get the thought out of your head. “Not all relationship anxiety is bad anxiety—anxiety can nudge us toward something that needs to happen,” says Rebecca Hendrix, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. “If you obsess about where your relationship is going, most likely you are at the point where you need to know.”
That being said, there is such a thing as bringing up your relationship status too soon. For example, if you’ve only gone on a few dates, it’s probably too soon—even, says Hendrix, if you’ve slept together. “If you choose to sleep with someone sooner than your system can handle it, then it is on you to help manage your anxiety,” she says. “Don’t ruin a blooming connection by pushing for too much too soon.”
It can also be specific to your relationship and where you’re at in life, says Alexandra Stratyner, a licensed psychologist at Stratyner and Associates in New York City. “People at different developmental places, who have different goals for themselves, might be thinking about that question in very different ways,” she explains. For example, people in their teens or early 20s in a situationship may not feel as rushed to think about a long-term commitment as someone who is older and looking to settle down.
“It depends on a lot of variables, and it also depends on how you feel,” Stratyner says. “Are you someone who has strong feelings for the other person, and in order for you to feel good in your relationship, you need to have an answer to that question? Some people don’t feel that way and are very happy with things being low stakes and casual. You need to listen to your gut.”
2. Remind yourself that it’s okay and healthy to ask for what you want.
Before you even initiate the conversation, check in with yourself first and think about what is most important to you and the kind of relationship you desire. Or, as Jazmin Gathers, Glamour’s senior social media manager, says: “Know what you want before asking someone else what they want.”
It’s okay to ask for what you want in life, whether it be a promotion or the type of relationship you want, Hendrix agrees. “The worst thing that could happen is that the person says no,” she says. “If they do say no, it’s information that can help you take the next step that is best for you.”
“It should always start with what you want,” says Julie Krafchick, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the upcoming How to Be Dateable (out January 28). “What are you looking for? We always hear people say, ‘So what are we?’ It’s an ambiguous question, and then the other person doesn’t really know what you’re hoping to hear. So it’s always good to start off with your needs at the forefront.”
3. Don’t be afraid of scaring them off.
“If this is the person you are supposed to be with, there is nothing you can do or ask that is going to make them go away,” says Hendrix. “If it is ‘your person,’ nothing will keep them away.”
In fact, Stratyner says their reaction to a conversation about defining the relationship—regardless of whether or not they’re ready to go official—can be very telling about whether or not this person is a good fit for you. “If you’re the person asking, ‘What are we?’ and you feel that your partner or the person you’re seeing responds to that with respect and in a way that demonstrates that they care about your feelings, those would be green flags,” she says. “If their response is to ghost you and stop talking to you, that’s not a good sign.”
You deserve to have a healthy relationship with a person who treats your emotions with compassion, dignity, and respect, says Stratyner. “A person who’s going to ghost you when you’re trying to figure out what your relationship is looking like is probably not the right person for you, which I know can be hard to hear,” she says.
4. Have the conversation face-to-face.
“For the love of god, don’t have ‘the talk’ via texts,” says Glamour copy editor Charlotte Twine.
Experts agree: This is sound dating advice. “As tempting as it might be to have difficult conversations by phone or text, make sure you talk about this in person,” says Chiara Atik, dating expert and author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide. “Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation, and phone conversations just aren’t the same as meeting face-to-face. If you do want to have a relationship, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off.”
5. Choose the right setting.
In addition to talking face-to-face, you’ll want to consider other factors like where, when, and how before having any talks about making this an exclusive relationship. “My tip? Have this conversation at a reasonable time of day, in person or on the phone, and without any substances,” says commerce editor Malia Griggs.
6. Don’t start the chat with “We need to talk.”
For a lot of people, “We need to talk” are four of the most anxiety-producing words in the English language. Avoid them at all costs. “Don’t ever say to somebody ‘We need to talk,’ because that will immediately throw them into a panic,” says Los Angeles-based relationship and dating coach Lisa Shield.
7. Be honest if you’re feeling nervous.
You’re allowed to have butterflies about both the talk and also what it means. It’s normal—and your potential partner is probably in the same boat. Some people are more afraid of committing to the wrong person than they are of a long-term relationship itself. You can be honest and say you’re not sure they’re the one, but you think it’s worth finding out.
8. Keep it light! The conversation doesn’t have to be serious just because the topic is.
“The talk shouldn’t be heavy and pressure-filled,” says Andrea Syrtash, dating expert and author of He’s Just Not Your Type (and That’s a Good Thing). “If you want to tell them you see more potential, you can let them know in a fun and upbeat way. You can say something like, ‘I’m no longer looking to find dates. Happily took my profile down today.’ That may open up the conversation. If they respond, ‘Why would you do that? Don’t do that!’ that’s probably a sign they’re not ready. If they smile and say they’ve done the same, the conversation will be much easier.”
Yue Xu, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the upcoming How to Be Dateable (out January 28), agrees. “The first thing we always tell people is to not make it a big deal,” she says. “You don’t need to be like, ‘We need to sit down and have a talk...’ It’s a conversation, and the conversation always starts with something positive.” She recommends saying something like, “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and I’d actually love to spend more time together. What do you think about that?”
9. Be straightforward.
Resist the urge to have a long drawn-out debate or explanation of your feelings—it’s easier for both of you if you’re direct and clear about wanting a serious relationship.
What might you say? Hendrix gives this example of a confident and clear way to broach the subject: “Hey, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you over the past couple months. To manage expectations, I am looking for someone who is open to taking the relationship to the next level because this is what I want. Is this something you are looking for as well? Is this something you see happening with us? What might that look like to you?”
10. Give the person time to think.
Your love interest may not have an answer for you right away, and that’s okay! “It doesn’t have to be resolved right then and there,” says Shield. “You’re just planting a seed. The way you have a follow-up is to go back and say, ‘Have you given any thought to what we talked about the other day?’”
11. Don’t get discouraged if the talk doesn’t go how you hoped.
If you have the “What are we?” conversation with someone and it turns out that they don’t want a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to move on. Don’t settle. Keep looking for the right person who is ready for the commitment that you desire.
“If you are not on the same page, first high five yourself for being a badass superhero for asking for what you want,” says Hendrix. “Remember that if another person doesn’t want what you want it has nothing to do with you. There are many reasons why someone may not be on the same page as you, so don’t immediately blame yourself.”
12. Remember that this may take more than one conversation.
If having one big talk about your relationship status sounds intimidating, you can always work your way up to it through a series of smaller conversations. That way neither of you are too surprised at the outcome.
“It can be good to have a series of these conversations, so you can build up to ‘What are we?’” says Krafchick. “It could start off with, ‘I am having such a great time with you, and I want to spend more time together.’ And then the next question builds, the next question builds, and eventually you get to, ‘I want to define this relationship.’”
13. Decide whether to walk away or wait it out.
Now the ball is in your court and you have a decision to make: Walk away or wait it out. “Sometimes in life we have to say no to what we don’t want in order to make room for what we do want,” says Hendrix. “If you walk away, take time to grieve the connection you had, the friendship, and the fantasies of what you thought you were going to have. Have heaps of compassion for yourself for how hard it was to walk away. Increase your self-care. When your stress level goes up your self-care must go up just as much to keep you in balance.”
