Dear Fisher,

Well, it’s here again. The holiday festivities and much excitement around the house, people showing up from nowhere – or so it seems – and tons of food and goodies. Mind you, none of the food and goodies are for me! I call it the Annual Salivation Season. Some years it seems to last forever. Do people not know dogs have a keen sense of smell and some – that would be me – can smell a chocolate chip cookie from several yards away? I don’t want to be a downer, Fisher, but I’m looking at more than a month of feeling like I’m starving. All those yummy smells and the food never makes it to my bowl. How should I handle this? I think I can open the refrigerator door if I try real hard, but….

Marko

Dear Marko,

Oh, my dog! Do not under any circumstances open the refrigerator door. What do you suppose would happen if that one chocolate chip cookie you so crave was in the very back of the fridge? You crawl in with the best of plans, and wham. Door closes and you are stuck. Humans usually do not look in a refrigerator for many hours after looking everywhere else for a lost pet. Most will, eventually, after sheer desperation sets in, but by that time, well, just think about it.

It is most important that you understand you are not given many human food choices because they can raise havoc with your digestive system, make you very sick, and in some cases, kill you. Now that is a strong reason to let your humans control your intake. Here are a few substance you must avoid:

1. Absolutely no alcoholic beverages. Drunkenness is not a funny animal trick. The hops (included with beer) are very dangerous and could cause seizures.
2. Onions can cause anemia and even if they do not make you sick, you will likely find yourself very alone on the couch.
3. Chicken bones, as we all know, are dangerous because they splinter and can cause lacerations to your internal organs. No fish bones, either!
4. Stay away from cat food. Your digestive system is very different from the cat’s, and it probably will not kill you, but you might get quite sick. Or scratched abundantly.
5. And the chocolate – good news here – you do not need it! There is a substitute for chocolate called Carob and it smells and tastes like chocolate with no harm to you.

Your humans can find all sorts of very neat, healthy and tasty treats on the internet. Try to urge them to bake special treats for you while baking their own holiday cookies. A great site for this (and never mind the title) is The Poop Pantry. Look for some very easy and yummy recipes there. Cooking is often a family affair, and I vote for the family dog participating in the venture.

Your friend,
Fisher

Dear Fisher,

Everything around our house is crazy these days. The kids are all hyper and they put on awful faces and try to scare me. It works just fine, thank you very much. This is holiday season – that’s what they say. It’s just starting and I can’t wait until it’s over. Worst is they have pictures of black cats in the window and they all look scary as heck. It is an insult to me and gives black cats a bad name. Sometimes I just want to run away from home. Can you help?

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

If you mean will I help you run away from home, the answer is “No!” But, if you mean will I help you try to deal with your situation, I will be happy to. First order of business is to get the kids you live with under control. Even though you have a built in instinct to fight back, run away, or just freeze in place when you are afraid, these reactions are only encouraging them. Children can become overly exuberant when suddenly allowed to act like little monsters. You may remember doing much the same when you were a kitten.

You will do well to put forth your best effort to act aloof. After all, that is one of our best traits. Here is how that can work for you: The children put on scary masks and rush at you. You act aloof. After 3 or 4 efforts to scare you, they become bored. They then start to pick on each other, which annoys the parents and they end up in time out. At this point, skip the aloofness and do a little happy dance. All is under control.

As for the actual night of Halloween, your adult family members should help you by:

1. Setting up the master bedroom as your safe haven, with litter box, food and water dishes.
2. Select a pleasant program on TV so the endless doorbell ringing will not drive you nuts.
3. Close the door to the bedroom. Appoint only one person to open it to check on you.
4. Treats are OK, but no candy. Candy will cause new and often worse problems.

Everyone must be on guard for your safety and inability to escape.
Urban legend or not, cats should not go out on All Hallows Eve. Many animal rescue groups report an abrupt increase in the adoption of black cats at this time. For more information, look up Black Cats and Halloween.

You are right to say this is the first of the holiday season, and no doubt the worst of it will be over for you soon. Next is Thanksgiving. Please remember to think kindly upon all turkeys.

Your friend,
Fisher

Dear Fisher,

I am having a little trouble over all the holidays coming up in the next few weeks. Every time the family starts to talk about guests coming and menus and gifts, they end up looking at me with that “but what do we do about Patches” look. I must confess I made quite a fool out of myself last year when guests were ushered into the dining room for Christmas dinner and there I was, hind foot up in the air, having a bath in the middle of what could have been an elegant dinner table.

I feel bad about making my humans worry about me and my bad behavior this year. It’s kinda like they are all thinking, “what if Patches does that, or this, or oh, no, I can’t even imagine IF!” I guess you can see my concern here. Can you help me figure out a way put my family at ease so they can enjoy their holiday entertaining? Thanks.

Patches

Dear Patches,

My, my, I got the picture. Not only could I see you as the holiday centerpiece, I could almost hear gasping as if I were in the crowd entering the dining room. I have to admit it took me awhile to remove that image and picture a beautifully decorated table with soft glowing candles, a huge arrangement of poinsettia flowers, a big turkey with stuffing and many other lovely dishes filled with yummy smelling food. You did not happen to do a little sampling, did you? Never mind. Don’t answer that.

My image of the table without you in the middle of it brought up several worse scenarios. You were a bad kitty, yes, but it could have been worse. Upon entering the dining room, guests could have witnessed you barfing up leaves and flowers from the poinsettia arrangement. According to toxicologists at the ASPCA, it is a myth that this plant is poisonous to cats, but, says APCC’s Dana B. Farbman, CVT, “In reality, ingestions typically produce only mild to moderate gastrointestinal tract irritation in pets, which may include drooling, vomiting and diarrhea.”

Or worse, there could have been a putrid smell of burning fur had you not paid proper attention to the candles and accidentally set yourself on fire. What if you sampled the turkey dressing which likely contains sage? Sage can do a number on your gastrointestinal system and, in more simple terms, cause a major tummy ache with the outcome of completely over-powering the food and scented candle smells and burnt fur odor. So you see, it could have been a lot worse!

Follow these suggestions to help your people feel assured you will not do a repeat of last year:

• Stay completely out of the dining room. When they are paying attention to you, walk toward the entryway, then proudly turn around and walk away.
• Stay completely out of the kitchen. You want them to feel comfortable that you are not interested in the yummy food smells.
• Practice calm and aloofness at all times until, say, President’s Day.

Your people can find wonderful safety tips for you at ASPCA. I encourage you to check it out as well. And remember, there is a magical law honored by pet people: You can do some pretty stupid things and they will still always love you.

Your friend,
Fisher

published in tbt Tampa Bay
Out There weekend edition

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