Cat unsprung

Dear Fisher,

Cat to cat, I need your help. I am William (Bill) Coury, Esq. and I have an issue. I am only five months old. Spring is about to be sprung and I am about to be unsprung. There’s talk around here that I need to have a neutering. They say it’s a simple procedure and they give me something so I won’t feel it. Well, my mind is what controls what I feel!

They cut a tiny little slit in my private area and take out the marbles. I am going to lose my marbles, then. I was born with my marbles and I think I am supposed to have them. This is all so silly. I stay inside and I am a very good cat.

The humans seem to think if I don’t have this neutering I may start bad habits. Do you believe that?  I must admit I am a very vain cat, good looking, composed, and I thought I was in charge. Things seem a lot out of order here now. I am not sure about this neutering business. All things considered, what are my options here?

William (Bill) Coury, Esq.

Dear William (Bill) Coury, Esq.,

Vanity is one of the most universal cat personality traits. After all, so many of your ancestors were gods and goddesses, creatures honored among kings and serfs alike. You are, for all practical purposes, dignified and regal.

The combination of your youthful age and the onset of springtime has probably propelled your people into thinking action is required. With medical modernization, changes in attitude regarding spay/neuter of animals are really in your favor.

You are at a perfect age to have this procedure. Many of your fellow felines go through it at an even earlier age. Due to advancements in pet medicine the procedures and anesthetics are a lot safer. The anesthetic you get will calm you and you will feel no pain. Recovery time is minimal, and you will be up and running in no time.

While I believe you are a very good cat, cats who have not been neutered can come up with some very bad habits – disgusting, even. You are a sweetheart now, but that can all change if you do not agree to doing the prudent thing: have the procedure.

Let me tell you what could happen as you age without the procedure and how sweet life if with the procedure:

without: You continually try to escape from your house or yard to find a mate
with: The ladies think you are hard to get and the will adore you more than ever

without: You fight with other male cats
with: You become a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy)

without: You howl all night
with: You walk tall because everyone knows it is not you making all that racket

without: You spray all over the furniture
with: Everyone you love can breathe easy

without: You have a need to mark your territory
with: Much less worry and work and more time to take a nap

without: Possible paternity suits due to accidental litters
with: Peace in the neighborhood, or at least in your yard!

Get the procedure over with as soon as possible. You WILL be admired as you proudly walk among the enlightened.

Your friend,

Fisher